Purpose & Self-Image
This article originally published as a segment of a weekly blog series hosted by Quasi Creator operating as an anonymous alias called Morpheush. Nearly 400 viewers subscribed to this blog and the series ran consecutively for 25 weeks during 2005 through 2006.
Click here to view more articles by Morpheush.
Last week we spoke about how you were born innocent...vulnerable...uninjured...and trusting of your environment. This week we will learn where pain of life or unmet needs causes us to begin building that protective wall around our self...that Matrix!
Please don't draw any immediate conclusions about anything said here...take this information and think about it for a while...leave behind what is useless to your situation, but apply whatever fits best to YOU.
Our self-esteem is built upon 3 things:
- Need to feel loved - a sense of belonging
- Need to feel acceptable - a sense of worthiness
- Need to feel adequate - a sense of competence
Anyone who suffers from low self-esteem is likely in need of one of the above...and if it goes unmet for too long, those people become the ones we know as clingy or needy or they are constantly announcing all their accomplishments trying to bait us for a compliment. A healthy self-image is matured by being able to fill those needs by KNOWING you are lovable, acceptable, and adequate without it having to be affirmed outside of your self.
This is when a parent has a more significant role in personality development:
- Birth to 3 yrs - BOTH parents fill a mothering role.
- 3 yrs to adolescence - The OPPOSITE SEX parent has more impact.
At this age a daughter becomes "daddy's little girl" and a son becomes a "momma's boy".
This is designed naturally for the development of future relationships with the opposite sex.
This should switch at time of adolescence. - Adolescent to adult - The SAME SEX parent has greater influence. Children begin to model the same sex parent to develop their identity and what it means to be a man or a woman. Example: a boy at this age will have enough of being mothered and will need more male input.
CAUTION: The other parent still has a role in development; however not as significant. If one of the parents is absent, abusive, or neglectful during any of these stages, then the self-image is negatively impacted.
Other people can fill these roles such as grandparents, teachers, coaches, clergy, etc. However, if the input is not taking place as described above, then the possibility of "sissy men" or "macho women" can occur. Also some experts say this is a factor for some unhealthy relationships causing a person to seek a mother or father role in their mate.
Self-love is built upon 3 things:
- How we view ourselves
- How others view us
- How we think others view us
It is NOT important what others think about us. Others' opinions, praise, or criticism should not be the determining factor for how we feel or think about ourselves. It is evident that someone has a low self-image, when they bait others for compliments...that emotional need shows to others like an open wound and only attracts other people with low self-image. This mentality also draws people who like to "rescue" others from their problems, which is a disorder to boost their own self esteem by surrounding themselves with high maintenance people. People who have a good sense of self-worth are repelled by people clinging for attention.
Self-worth is a conviction that you have fundamental value, because you were created for a purpose and that your talents were tailor made to fit that purpose. Often times we don't discover our purpose until well into adulthood. That is why we seem to have this notion of "I don't know yet what I want to do with my life". We feel lost or empty...and we begin trying to fill what's missing with pleasures like alcohol, drugs, sex, entertainment, or whatever will make us feel good temporarily...all of those things are good in moderation, but that "fix" should come secondary to what we are meant to do. Have you ever met a thrill-seeker who seems to have fun all the time, yet they are really sad inside? Many celebrities feel this way, even though they've achieved fame and financial success. The result of their lifestyle is still shallow and not enough to fill their emotional needs.
Anyone who has not found their purpose focuses everyday on one or both of these two things:
1.Experiencing pleasure
2.Avoiding pain
Once you have purpose, those things don't matter...you are able to accept the good with the bad in life as it comes in intervals to us all!
Unfortunately if you don't BELIEVE that you have a purpose, then you are fulfilling self-prophecy that makes you miserable in every phase of preparation for that purpose. This can be seen in those we know that are always complaining about their situation, but they never do anything about it and in further examination of their habits it is obvious that they will NEVER go anywhere.
All direction in our life can be enhanced or sabotaged by our own attitude.
Arrogance is an inflated self-image having an attitude of superiority thinking that we are better than others.
Humility is a healthy attitude having an absence of concentration on self; being grateful for our abilities, but also trusting God for our inadequacies.
*Regard others as higher than yourself and have a serving attitude towards them.
*Children discover what kind of person they are and how they feel about themselves by the reactions of their parents toward them. A parent's affirmations to their children are critical.
*We should have an attitude of unconditional acceptance and love and understanding toward everyone, especially children!
*A child can never receive too much appropriate touching, hugging, kissing, wrestling, and snuggling. That shouldn't stop once we are adults. If a person is resistant to such affection, that is an indication that their spirit was violated and likely damaged in more than one sense of belonging, worthiness, or competence. That person may seem very tough on the outside, but sadly he or she will struggle with depression, anger, and limited ability to return affection. Only they can rebuild their own self-image though. That will involve the task of tearing down the current image and starting over with an abundance of self-induced affirmation.
essay by Kasey Cole Braun
Source of some paraphrasing
Building Your Self-Image by Josh McDowell
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